I wrote a couple of months ago about my frustrations with finding a job and trying to trust in God's Plan for my life. I really was doing pretty well despite the fact that things were getting exponentially worse. . . until the last couple of weeks. To make a long story short, four jobs in my area have opened and closed. I got an interview for only one which was a job that I have actually had twice before. I did not get that job and I am confident that I was the best qualified applicant. When being told that I was not being hired, it was made clear that the school district could not or would not pay for my experience and education. That made me really mad. And I am still mad.
It may not sound like a big deal. So. . . I didn't get a job that I really don't need anyway. But here's the problem. If I am "overqualified" or perhaps "blackballed" and I can't teach music in my local school district, there is no way that my back-up plan of getting certified in English is going to work out. Now I have lost my first and second job choices. Unfortunately, I only had two.
I have lost my career. At least in Alpine School District.
I have lost friends because I can't trust people who aren't straight with me. (There have been some downright nasty comments made by some and total silence from others in my circle of musical colleagues.)
I have lost hope because the doors keep slamming and I can't find a damn window.
But worst of all. . . I feel my faith slipping.
The strangest, most miniscule things sometimes hurt the most. In this situation it was a Facebook post by the wife of the gentleman who got this last job. (BTW, he is a very nice man and I wish him no ill will.) She posted a thanks to people for their prayers that he would get the job. Most people would not even think about it, but to me it was a stab in the heart.
What about my prayers? What about the inspirations that I had received? Why was it more important for him to get a "yes" than me?
I have always struggled with the notion of my divine nature and individual worth and this has been a set back on that journey. For the first time ever, I was mad at God. I think I still am a little. I can hardly even pray because the silence is deafening.
I want to be still and know that God has everything in contol, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I want to make a difference in the world. . . somehow. . . but I am thwarted at every turn. I want to walk away from this situation and bury it, but that just means that it will happen to someone else and I should probably care about that. I want to be busy, but nobody needs me to do anything- at least nothing that remotely interests me. I want to be a great mom, but a depressed mom is not a great mom.
This is not how I envisioned my life. And not what I want for my future.
So, I know what I don't want, but I have yet to figure out what I do want. I hope I figure it out soon.