Tuesday, August 21, 2012


I wrote a couple of months ago about my frustrations with finding a job and trying to trust in God's Plan for my life.  I really was doing pretty well despite the fact that things were getting exponentially worse. . . until the last couple of weeks.  To make a long story short, four jobs in my area have opened and closed.  I got an interview for only one which was a job that I have actually had twice before.  I did not get that job and I am confident that I was the best qualified applicant.  When being told that I was not being hired, it was made clear that the school district could not or would not pay for my experience and education.  That made me really mad.  And I am still mad.

It may not sound like a big deal.  So. . . I didn't get a job that I really don't need anyway.  But here's the problem.  If I am "overqualified" or perhaps "blackballed" and I can't teach music in my local school district, there is no way that my back-up plan of getting certified in English is going to work out.  Now I have lost my first and second job choices.  Unfortunately, I only had two.

Now what?

I have lost my career.  At least in Alpine School District.

I have lost friends because I can't trust people who aren't straight with me.  (There have been some downright nasty comments made by some and total silence from others in my circle of musical colleagues.)

I have lost hope because the doors keep slamming and I can't find a damn window.

But worst of all. . . I feel my faith slipping.

The strangest, most miniscule things sometimes hurt the most.  In this situation it was a Facebook post by the wife of the gentleman who got this last job.  (BTW, he is a very nice man and I wish him no ill will.)  She posted a thanks to people for their prayers that he would get the job.  Most people would not even think about it, but to me it was a stab in the heart.

What about my prayers?  What about the inspirations that I had received?  Why was it more important for him to get a "yes" than me? 

I have always struggled with the notion of my divine nature and individual worth and this has been a set back on that journey.  For the first time ever, I was mad at God.  I think I still am a little.  I can hardly even pray because the silence is deafening. 

I want to be still and know that God has everything in contol, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  I want to make a difference in the world. . . somehow. . . but I am thwarted at every turn.  I want to walk away from this situation and bury it, but that just means that it will happen to someone else and I should probably care about that.   I want to be busy, but nobody needs me to do anything- at least nothing that remotely interests me.  I want to be a great mom, but a depressed mom is not a great mom.

This is not how I envisioned my life.  And not what I want for my future.

So, I know what I don't want, but I have yet to figure out what I do want.  I hope I figure it out soon.

1 comment:

reb said...

Travis had mentioned that you had applied and didn't get the hs band gig - they must not understand all that you gave when you filled in that year. I was actually amazed you were willing to be the band teacher. I mean being a band teacher is hard and very time consuming, and you always give 200% of yourself. I still am amazed at how you really made Lehi hs. marching band up to and beyond par.

One thing that I know though is that Heavenly Father is always thinking of us, even when it doesn't seem so. And those times can seem to go on too long. But when the wait is over what He has planned is so worth the wait. It can be a huge thing, or just a little thing - but it's His thing. Sometimes it's just a little letter.