Lost

I wrote a couple of months ago about my frustrations with finding a job and trying to trust in God's Plan for my life.  I really was doing pretty well despite the fact that things were getting exponentially worse. . . until the last couple of weeks.  To make a long story short, four jobs in my area have opened and closed.  I got an interview for only one which was a job that I have actually had twice before.  I did not get that job and I am confident that I was the best qualified applicant.  When being told that I was not being hired, it was made clear that the school district could not or would not pay for my experience and education.  That made me really mad.  And I am still mad.

It may not sound like a big deal.  So. . . I didn't get a job that I really don't need anyway.  But here's the problem.  If I am "overqualified" or perhaps "blackballed" and I can't teach music in my local school district, there is no way that my back-up plan of getting certified in English is going to work out.  Now I have lost my first and second job choices.  Unfortunately, I only had two.

Now what?

I have lost my career.  At least in Alpine School District.

I have lost friends because I can't trust people who aren't straight with me.  (There have been some downright nasty comments made by some and total silence from others in my circle of musical colleagues.)

I have lost hope because the doors keep slamming and I can't find a damn window.

But worst of all. . . I feel my faith slipping.

The strangest, most miniscule things sometimes hurt the most.  In this situation it was a Facebook post by the wife of the gentleman who got this last job.  (BTW, he is a very nice man and I wish him no ill will.)  She posted a thanks to people for their prayers that he would get the job.  Most people would not even think about it, but to me it was a stab in the heart.

What about my prayers?  What about the inspirations that I had received?  Why was it more important for him to get a "yes" than me? 

I have always struggled with the notion of my divine nature and individual worth and this has been a set back on that journey.  For the first time ever, I was mad at God.  I think I still am a little.  I can hardly even pray because the silence is deafening. 

I want to be still and know that God has everything in contol, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  I want to make a difference in the world. . . somehow. . . but I am thwarted at every turn.  I want to walk away from this situation and bury it, but that just means that it will happen to someone else and I should probably care about that.   I want to be busy, but nobody needs me to do anything- at least nothing that remotely interests me.  I want to be a great mom, but a depressed mom is not a great mom.

This is not how I envisioned my life.  And not what I want for my future.

So, I know what I don't want, but I have yet to figure out what I do want.  I hope I figure it out soon.